nj (tritone) wrote,

My dream of spiritual eternity

I was in a hotel conference room with about a dozen other people. As we mingled, I became aware that two of them were glowing slightly. They explained that they were not earthly humans, but spiritual beings who would liberate our souls. They touched each of us in turn, and we began to glow as well. Finally, when we were all ready, our glows shot upwards, freed from the constraints of Earth.

It was just as they had said it would be: our glowing souls cavorted in outer space, enjoying our freedom. But after a time, they told us that we had not been liberated in order to just horse around: we were to join The Department, an agency that waged an eternal battle against the forces of Hell in order to save the souls of humanity. Though sad to leave behind our time of free play, we agreed to join in this important task.

It turned out that The Department was basically an infinitely large Wal-Mart.

The Wal-Mart was divided exactly in the middle (in the land of eternal spirits, it was possible to locate the exact middle of an infinite space) by a pair of checkout counters, one belonging to the forces of Heaven (us) and the other belonging to the forces of Hell.

We wore blue uniforms; the forces of Hell wore red uniforms. Other than that, I couldn't see much difference between the two teams; the Hell people didn't seem particularly more evil than us. The women on the Hell side did seem a little cuter on average, though. (For some reason we had normal-looking human bodies in The Department, instead of the glowing astral projection-type things we'd had in outer space.)

Since we were all immortal and indestructible souls, no one could actually be killed or wounded, so the Great Battle basically consisted of annoyances and pranks that one side would play upon the other. For example, one of the blue team members snuck over to the red side's infinitely long canned goods aisle and set off a huge explosion. Cans of refried beans and peaches in heavy syrup flew everywhere. But the only consequence was that the red team's loudspeaker crackled with the dull voice of Satan, the floor manager, mumbling "Cleanup in aisle 7," and a few of the forces of Hell wandered over in a desultory fashion to restock the shelves.

Every so often a team member on one side or the other would get bored and not want to work. This was called "going to spend some time in The Office." But The Office was just a big blank room with nothing to do, so it was even more boring than working, and eventually they'd get sick of it and go back to The Department.

And that was pretty much it. For all eternity.
Tags: dreams funny

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